Coming to terms

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How does one come to terms with not getting something they worked really hard for?

Ever since I was a teenager, I remember praying for success in work, health and happiness of my family and then for attention and love of someone special. Many times this would be the attention of whoever I had a crush on then. Then in my twenties my relationships happened and the prayers would be about them.

I always thought I’d end up getting married much sooner. Life had other plans. In this current relationship, I’ve been praying for a breakthrough for close to 2 years now. Every time things come to some sort of a head after a period of turmoil and then after a long period of anger and blame, tired of it all, we settle into loving. But things do go downhill always.

There was a period last year when I was so distraught, I didn’t know if I could ever be happy. I love this person a lot even now and the periods of separation that we have, don’t seem to work as we both seem miserable when away from each other. But things are so unhealthy that we can’t keep it together for long once we are together.

I have to painfully come to terms with the fact that it may never work out well. I am tired of hoping and I think I would be doing an injustice to myself by not acting on the information I already have, which is that for whatever reason, he cannot commit right now. Its been 3 years, way long in our culture to wait and I have crossed 30, so I cannot just keep living in some fantasy that it will all work out. But I keep getting stuck in hope. How, do I come to terms with this situation?

How do I be ok with whatever happens? How do I come to terms with not having my dream marriage (not wedding)? How do I be ok with not knowing for a lot longer? How do I be ok with accepting that maybe we won’t have a life together and how do I not see that as a reflection of my or his having done something wrong? How do I explain to others who have seen this drama in my life and long ago asked me to get over this relationship why I keep going back and why it still doesn’t seem to work out? How do I go on if there is no closure?

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Gratitude practice

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I have realised I need to re-start a gratitude practice. I used to have one earlier but I let go of it. But I am starting it again as I realise that I can feel a little better almost instantly when I start thinking of just letting life be as it is and being happy for other small things around me. I have spent so much time complaining and crying about things that its best to do something radically different now.

My gratitude practice though is happening in fits and starts. Some days I am very good and able to live in that particular day without thinking of anything else and on others I feel like everything is going out of hand. I am now slowly trying to interrupt those days with some form of gratitude or some form of prayer of meditation. At times I am successful, at times I am not.

However I have realised that this cannot be the way I end up treating myself all the time. There is so much anxiety every day and the people who care about me are getting increasingly worried. I think of stuff like quitting, giving it all up so often and that is not a healthy way to be.

I am doing the thing I do always when I am overwhelmed, taking the train back home for a holiday, only this time I am going to combine it with a Vipassana course. I do not yet know if I can handle the 10 day silent retreat, but I am willing to try it. I haven’t done something disruptive in some time and I think I should try that now.

Do you want marriage or companionship?

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I guess I am still coming to terms with the fact that the relationship I clung on to for the last 3 years may not amount to much. I am pretty much living the single life and it isn’t terribly tough because the last 2 years of our relationship was long distance, so I don’t have to deal with seeing someone daily to not at all. I am trying to keep myself busy, do as much as I can, work has been hectic so its been easier to keep from obsessing. But still there are moments when I feel a little emptiness.

In my attempt to move on, I am trying to look at other men, nothing serious, just looking. And what I am realising is that I don’t trust my heart much anymore. It is like whenever I see someone and I get a feeling like before of liking this person a lot, I instantly become cautious and tell my heart that it is no use treading that path. Its almost like I do not want to feel that butterflies and hearts feeling anymore. I want something much more stable, something dependable, something that won’t lead to endless disappointment when things go wrong.

I do not know how my boyfriend feels, he hasn’t spoken to me in over a month. We had yet another fight over the marriage issue and then I gave up. I feel that there is no point in chasing him anymore. If he decides to come back with marriage on mind on his own, its fine. Otherwise, we will end up fighting in the same way if I agree to dating some more without him changing things around a bit. That will just hurt both of us. I still want him, so sometimes it is not easy to shut my mind from going down that road.

But I digress, the point I have been trying to make is that I suddenly realised how people made arranged marriages work in our country. I am realising if you spend enough time with someone you will end up liking something or the other about them. And this is what I am discovering as I spend time with some of my male friends. I also realised that what I really want is some kind of companionship, someone to come home to. So maybe, I should think of ways other than marriage in which I can fulfill this need. I have to explore those thoughts more.

Becoming a little more ME ME

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I have mostly not been a ME, ME person. I have always given everyone the benefit of doubt. Recent events made me ask myself, so how is that going for you? And I drew a blank. I realised it hasn’t worked for me at all to be so accommodating, so understanding. I haven’t got even half of the understanding back for me and it is a miracle sometimes how I have survived despite my naivety.

There has come a deep realisation that maybe it was just plain bad luck or some kind of stupidity, but I have met some pieces of work when it comes to humans around me. There haven’t been any really evil people, but there have been enough who are flaky, who worked only for their advantage and disregarded my well being, who simply assumed that they knew best. And perhaps the bad part is I was never as sure as any of these people of any of my decisions or feelings to take action to protect myself.

I suddenly am coming to this realisation that for all that I kept putting their feelings, inconveniences, goals, demands above my own, none of them ever made any compromises for me. Maybe someone will call my decisions a case of sour grapes. Some of you may give it the all encompassing term of codependence. I assure you, it wasn’t. It was just me going by the book, doing the whole treat others as you would want them to treat you stuff. Anyways, I am trying now to see how I can honor myself more, be okay with the choices I’ve made and the opportunities that I have lost.

I may never be fully ok with missing out on marriage and kids at the right age. But there is nothing I can do about it now. So I am learning to just live, without killing myself every day about it. Lets see how that goes.

Changes, changes

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So I have finally moved to the new place. Its unfamiliar, I am still figuring out where I can get daily rations, where to pay the bills around here etc. But the place is much cleaner and it is airy. I am not completely hating it as I had imagined.

I have also come to some kind of decisiveness about my relationship, I am not willing to put in anymore without getting what I want. I know it may not be easy here on. I know that I have to guard my heart if he comes back all apologetic and I should hold out till he actually acts on the promises he has made so far.

All that apart, there is this devil may care attitude I have for the last couple of days. So bitter am I, that sometimes I don’t even like most human beings lol. The only people I have found to be consistent in their affections and their other feelings towards me are my family and I know that is what I want in my partner and anyone else who wants to be in my life for longer. I find myself being less and less tolerant with anyone who wants to put me down.

It is strange actually for me to not give a fuck. I ma the kind who keeps worrying about how people perceive me and try to adjust my behaviour accordingly. But now I want to get out all the anger and bitterness and put people in place. Sometimes I fear I may over do it and burn bridges but right now, it feels good to be able to be angry, to just be, negative or whatever else people may think it is.

Circle of life

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I was sick again. Very high fever 101-102 degrees. Had to call the doc for a home visit and though I am all good now, I still haven’t regained my appetite. And I shall repeat, being sick and alone at home sucks big time. Being sick also derailed some of my plans of wrapping things up before moving out and lessened the number of offs I could take while moving. So there’s the rant against it.

But I also realised that when I had just moved into this place, I fell sick too. It felt like a circle of life thing. Back then too I was very sick and my neighbours helped me. It was also at the height of the swine flu scare in my city and I was so scared I was going to contract it.

Boston

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For a reporter who has never been to the US, but has seen situations like 26/11, the events unfolding at Boston were an eerie reminder of just how fragile life can be. The last two nights, I have been glued to the TV, not just because the events themselves were surreal, but also because as a journalist, I wanted to see how CNN, NBC and other international outlets handle this.

I must say I am thoroughly impressed. I write this as reporters across the spectrum not just heave a sigh of relief but also convey the feeling of we are safe now to their viewers. I am also amazed by how the on field reporters are also very honest and realistic about their expectations of what answers and closure to expect from the agencies. There are no pretenses, no one is saying that everything is great. I get a sense of we suffered, we have tried to make sense of all of it, but more importantly, we are all together in this.

That sense of empathy is so important when a community goes through something like this. I remember 26/11 and just how chaotic everything was. And I remember how in the aftermath, there were no words of reassurance. There was the usual talk of resilience, there was also some talk of finding the culprits, but the political discourse was and still continues to be that of blame games and religious divisions.

Our country has sort of become accustomed now to terror attacks. Every few months, a series of low intensity blasts shake some city or the other and the suspects are never caught. Compared to that, looking at what America managed today, I feel people there should really be grateful that they can at the end of the day, still depend on their security forces.

However, one thing was very similar to our country. The internet witch hunt and disinformation. I hope everyone apologises to the families of the 2 who were wrongly named as suspects.

 

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