Regression

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Dear readers, if there are any after all the ranting I have done, it seems I am regressing to a time when I was always angry and complaining.

Its Easter today and I read about forgiveness and how it could help my anxiety. I hope to start practising it. I am not Christian, but having studied in convent schools, have been a quasi Christian always. And I know Christ embodies forgiveness. I am not particularly religious, but I do believe there is someone out there looking out for us.

Yesterday, one of my favourite movies was playing on TV. Bruce Almighty. I kinda resemble the Bruce before he met God in that movie. Smite me oh mighty Smiter, might just be what I am unconsciously saying lol. Why I love this movie is the simple way in which it teaches you that you are the one responsible for a lot of things in your life. As I sleep tonight, I want to remember that in a positive way, not in a self blame manner, but in a confident way that I can become calmer and more in control.

God is definitely listening to me as I am getting to read many good things, many success stories. He wants me to see it can happen 🙂

Hope you all had a great Easter.

Financial woes

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So ended up discussing finances with my dad yesterday and the picture is grim. I don’t think our family can afford weddings of 2 girls. So it seems however much I want to get married, maybe putting it off is the thing to do. Of the two of us sisters, I have a more stable career at the moment, seems its best to therefore focus on getting my sister married.  Atleast one of us should have a good family life, she is younger by 5 years, so now is the right time for her to start looking.

I also realised that my dad doesn’t really think I am good enough wife material. I don’t know if I should be sad or angry at this or just take it as generational disconnect. I have got feelers from him before too about how I may studied too much and focused too much on my career earlier. To be honest, this was more my parents’ perception than my actual thoughts. I had wanted to get married at 25-26. I had seen my sisters in law getting married at 22-23 and have seen how now in their late 30s they are enjoying a lot of things, with the children in their early teens. I had always wanted to be a young mother. But that is not going to happen anymore. There are exactly 10 days now for me to turn 30. My sister however can focus on her family life and her career if the family finally agrees with me to marry her off first.

Back to the finances, I think I may have to move to humble lodgings, it would be nice probably to get myself into a working women’s hostel. The rents are becoming prohibitive in my city and the deposits for rental accommodation are even higher. I may have to cut back a little more on my expenses and rent would be a good place to start. If not this new lease, then later. Right now I am still working under the assumption that I may get married someday, but I have to start thinking of what if it never happens or doesn’t happen when I can still afford some aspects of it.

Sometimes I am very bitter about all this. All my 20s I was surrounded by people who really enjoyed their youth, went out, met a lot of people, travelled a lot. Money was a huge issue for me and so I couldn’t do much of that. The only luxury I have allowed myself is accommodation closer to work, not even first class accommodation, just close to work so I don’t have to burn myself out with travel. I lived away once but it had a bad effect on my health. At 30 now, instead of getting a more relaxed and a better lifestyle, I think I may have to downgrade even more. I know it could have been worse and that’s the only thing that keeps me somewhat grounded. I pray to God, it will work out better.

Gratitude

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I have vented a lot these past few days and so here is a gratitude list to focus on what I really am thankful for :

1. I am messed up but no one has given up completely on me so far. My family, my friends, my colleagues, my boyfriend and of course those of you who stop by this blog, still continue to listen to me, sometimes patiently, sometimes not so.

2. Things are getting better in my career.

3. I am finding it in me again to read academic books that will help my profession.

4. I have not given up on myself and do bounce back and even end up having fun with friends from time to time (this is huge for me because earlier I would just mope a whole lot more and then mope because I felt guilty of moping before).

5. Many people are coming forward to help me with finalising a place to move in when my lease ends.

6. I can see my flaws more clearly, which means, I can correct them sooner.

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Exactly how I have been feeling and yes I am not quite at stage 3 yet.

Uncharted Waters

it seems like every girl of this generation must go through a three step process when thinking about their career.

First. The encouragement stage:  In this stage the young girl is encouraged to apply to college, to travel, to be whatever she wants to be.  Scholarships are easy to get, even though girls now make up a larger percentage of undergrads than boys. This is a stage without limitation. A young woman sees successful women like Hillary Clinton and doctors and professors, and only senses the “up” direction for her career.  Settling down and having children are looked down upon – you are bombarded with messages from your high school health teacher, the media, etc. that getting pregnant would be a disaster.  College’s hookup culture doesn’t give you much practice actually having relationships.  Your career starts off well and then…

Second.  The “intentionally dumbing down” stage. …

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The naivety of it all

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I am facing a very harsh truth right now. That I, yes, glorious I, have really been just a stupid and naive person. I always thought that marriage just happened, that if you were a couple and happy, the guy pops the question sooner than later. That marriage is why people get into relationships. That in a relationship, both people are ready together for marriage. That I had learnt all I had to about flaky guys last time around and this relationship would be different and hence I would say I want to get married by this time and he would just do it because that is what both of us wanted eventually. My idea of a marriage and a proposal were very Hollywood.

Instead my relationship has been one long haul. I have pressed and pressed the marriage issue and at the end of 3 years he is not even ready to speak casually to my parents or get me introduced to his. He is younger, says I just keep talking of all the bad things that happen to me at work and elsewhere, my fertility fears or my need to get married and how I have no time or understanding of him. I do keep checking in with him mind you, but when I ask he never wants to talk. He says he doesn’t want to add to the already huge pile on my head.

I look back at how I thought things would unfold and I feel so stupid. I had started thinking in terms of us from the 6 month mark. I had stitched traditional new dresses for when to meet his mother. His mother, he told me was interested in cooking, so I had bought cook books to gift her. I must have looked and still might be looking extremely nuts. In the last couple of years, the fights we have had have all been about the marriage issue and about how I feel he is being unfair to me by having fun all the time with friends or elsewhere while I sit and cry about my single status and his reluctance to put in place any routine like a definite time daily to talk on the phone or video chat or any such thing. He can only commit to being available always on BBM chat.

2 days ago my parents said they wanted to talk to him to see where he is at. I gave them his number and I gave boyfriend fair warning that they might call. He lost his cool, said I should have asked him whether to pass on his number or not. He clearly didnt want to talk yet. He has found his job now, it is well paying, he earns more than me and its been 2 months since he got that job. My parents felt if he didn’t move now, when would he? His reaction felt to me like an insult of my parents. My parents had of course said that they would only talk after I spoke to him. Eventually they just decided not to call him and make things worse when they heard he didn’t react well. I am so hurt and I feel so rejected.

I feel trapped. I don’t think I can break up with him. If I do, I will be so heartbroken I’ll probably have to quit my job and everything and just shut myself out of the world for a few months. Staying is also heartbreaking. I have no idea why I am going through such a rough time. I still have hope in some place in my heart that if only we get married, things would be so beautiful. But I am losing all hope now. I just have been so naive in believing that love meant marriage would happen. I just keep crying and feeling so resentful and ashamed. I have had a rough time with my job and with people for close to a decade now. I am ready to throw in the towel anytime now.

If any of you made it through this entire rant, I apologise for subjecting you to such negativity.

Moving, PMS and other annoying things

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So my lease gets over end of April and my landlady doesn’t want to renew it. That means I have to find a new place by then and so far all the places I have seen are very costly. There is only one that is within my budget but that also I will have to compromise a little on my lifestyle to get into. Its completely unfurnished so I will have to invest in some basic furniture. The house hunt itself has been very humbling, in as much as pointing to the state of my finances.

As you know, boyfriend lives in a different city and he comes from a more privileged background. His move to the new city has also been facilitated in some ways by his folks, they have deeper pockets. Boyfriend earns more than me and has moved to a city which is less costlier than mine. I just feel its all a little unfair because I have worked hard enough and long enough and my life style instead of improving is just declining. The realities of adult life suck. And there are no gold stars or satin ribbons to be earned if you are a functional adult taking care of your own finances and life.

The fact that I may not even have the kind of lifestyle my parents had, when economies were simpler, makes me very depressed. Infact, the cycle of disillusionment with my own career choices has come to such a level I even resent what the boyfriend has. He got so worked up today asked me if I wanted him to live like an ascetic so that I would get company. When put like that I know that its wrong of me to put the burden of my disappointments on him.

However the cost dynamic and every thing else included has made me doubt all my decisions. I don’t know if I can sustain things like lay offs or other economic horrors that are becoming everyday in our country now. It seems like to be relevant at your work place requires much more effort now. The rewards however are smaller.

How do I keep the realities from discouraging me and making me bitter? There is so much that I am struggling with and the only thing I can come up with is I am a self made person. Have repaid the money I borrowed from my parents for my education and do send them money every month. I try to save for myself and have some insurance amount and some locked deposits. I am trying in a lot of ways to be a responsible person.

Then again I know the kind of depression I radiate is not attractive. I marvel at times that boyfriend is still around. I have been a nut case for close to a year now and unless something changes externally in my life, I feel I will become well and truly crazy. I come to my senses for a few days and then PMS happens. Frankly, I just want to stay still and be happy about everything in my life, just some peace and the knowledge that everything is going to be alright.

I also realise part of my current disillusionment is that I dreamt way too high and expected a lot more. I came from a very humble background and I expected to be super rich within just 5 years of working. I expected the salary I currently have atleast 3 years ago. To be honest, I was also misled by the boom climate prior to 2007, when I was just a student. I had heard of many who started earning 6 figures in 3-4 years, but then 2008 happened. I also had always been very clear about expectations like marriage and engagement in my relationships. I did tell my current man I wanted to be engaged within a year. Its year 3 and neither has engagement happened nor have I been able to simply move on. It has now become like a bone of contention. Added to that, his life and career has gone from strength to strength. He completed an MBA, got a good job after a one month wait. I am still at the same job and my increments have been slow. I just feel a little cheated by life at times because I used to be a straight As student, never got into any trouble as a kid and always surpassed what was expected of me. So this adult life, one without gold stars and satin ribbons or even the occasional pat on the shoulder, I am taking it very hard.

Have any of you felt jealous of other more privileged people around you, or even your own partner? Have you ever felt you have put in so much into everything and you are just running on empty but you are trapped? I discussed the possibility of quitting my job and moving back home with my folks and finding something there. It wasn’t well received, turns out the situation at home is also quite bad and my salary is necessary. Suddenly I felt a sense of panic about just how important jobs are for all of us and especially for those who have children to feed. No wonder a lot of kids think their parents are uncool. Its not so much as uncool, its more like the parents are just doing whatever needs to be done and don’t have the luxury of enterprise that the teen has.

Ok, that’s a lot of disjointed thoughts.

Just work it off

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That’s going to be my mantra. After I vented and said so many things to boyfriend about how getting married at a certain time was important to me, he said it felt like a gun to his head. I am angry and sad at the same time. What did he expect after 3 years? And how long should I just hang on?

I am very confused and more than that just full of grief that it has come to this. I have to accept he isn’t ready but if that is still the case, I am not so sure I want to stick around. I mean I love him a lot, but I see no way out. I am just frustrated and I guess a beautiful relationship is already lost in all these ultimatums and trying to just get him to see my side. Aren’t relationships supposed to be romantic? Isn’t he supposed to want to propose to me now that he has a job and everything is settled?

So I feel all I can do is just work. Now even if he proposes, I am never going to feel secure. This has just been ruined totally I feel and I don’t know how much of the blame is solely mine. I am just going to focus on working. At present that is the only thing under my control, my job and so I will be the best there.

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