I am facing a very harsh truth right now. That I, yes, glorious I, have really been just a stupid and naive person. I always thought that marriage just happened, that if you were a couple and happy, the guy pops the question sooner than later. That marriage is why people get into relationships. That in a relationship, both people are ready together for marriage. That I had learnt all I had to about flaky guys last time around and this relationship would be different and hence I would say I want to get married by this time and he would just do it because that is what both of us wanted eventually. My idea of a marriage and a proposal were very Hollywood.

Instead my relationship has been one long haul. I have pressed and pressed the marriage issue and at the end of 3 years he is not even ready to speak casually to my parents or get me introduced to his. He is younger, says I just keep talking of all the bad things that happen to me at work and elsewhere, my fertility fears or my need to get married and how I have no time or understanding of him. I do keep checking in with him mind you, but when I ask he never wants to talk. He says he doesn’t want to add to the already huge pile on my head.

I look back at how I thought things would unfold and I feel so stupid. I had started thinking in terms of us from the 6 month mark. I had stitched traditional new dresses for when to meet his mother. His mother, he told me was interested in cooking, so I had bought cook books to gift her. I must have looked and still might be looking extremely nuts. In the last couple of years, the fights we have had have all been about the marriage issue and about how I feel he is being unfair to me by having fun all the time with friends or elsewhere while I sit and cry about my single status and his reluctance to put in place any routine like a definite time daily to talk on the phone or video chat or any such thing. He can only commit to being available always on BBM chat.

2 days ago my parents said they wanted to talk to him to see where he is at. I gave them his number and I gave boyfriend fair warning that they might call. He lost his cool, said I should have asked him whether to pass on his number or not. He clearly didnt want to talk yet. He has found his job now, it is well paying, he earns more than me and its been 2 months since he got that job. My parents felt if he didn’t move now, when would he? His reaction felt to me like an insult of my parents. My parents had of course said that they would only talk after I spoke to him. Eventually they just decided not to call him and make things worse when they heard he didn’t react well. I am so hurt and I feel so rejected.

I feel trapped. I don’t think I can break up with him. If I do, I will be so heartbroken I’ll probably have to quit my job and everything and just shut myself out of the world for a few months. Staying is also heartbreaking. I have no idea why I am going through such a rough time. I still have hope in some place in my heart that if only we get married, things would be so beautiful. But I am losing all hope now. I just have been so naive in believing that love meant marriage would happen. I just keep crying and feeling so resentful and ashamed. I have had a rough time with my job and with people for close to a decade now. I am ready to throw in the towel anytime now.

If any of you made it through this entire rant, I apologise for subjecting you to such negativity.

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