I have mostly not been a ME, ME person. I have always given everyone the benefit of doubt. Recent events made me ask myself, so how is that going for you? And I drew a blank. I realised it hasn’t worked for me at all to be so accommodating, so understanding. I haven’t got even half of the understanding back for me and it is a miracle sometimes how I have survived despite my naivety.

There has come a deep realisation that maybe it was just plain bad luck or some kind of stupidity, but I have met some pieces of work when it comes to humans around me. There haven’t been any really evil people, but there have been enough who are flaky, who worked only for their advantage and disregarded my well being, who simply assumed that they knew best. And perhaps the bad part is I was never as sure as any of these people of any of my decisions or feelings to take action to protect myself.

I suddenly am coming to this realisation that for all that I kept putting their feelings, inconveniences, goals, demands above my own, none of them ever made any compromises for me. Maybe someone will call my decisions a case of sour grapes. Some of you may give it the all encompassing term of codependence. I assure you, it wasn’t. It was just me going by the book, doing the whole treat others as you would want them to treat you stuff. Anyways, I am trying now to see how I can honor myself more, be okay with the choices I’ve made and the opportunities that I have lost.

I may never be fully ok with missing out on marriage and kids at the right age. But there is nothing I can do about it now. So I am learning to just live, without killing myself every day about it. Lets see how that goes.

Advertisements