I guess I am still coming to terms with the fact that the relationship I clung on to for the last 3 years may not amount to much. I am pretty much living the single life and it isn’t terribly tough because the last 2 years of our relationship was long distance, so I don’t have to deal with seeing someone daily to not at all. I am trying to keep myself busy, do as much as I can, work has been hectic so its been easier to keep from obsessing. But still there are moments when I feel a little emptiness.

In my attempt to move on, I am trying to look at other men, nothing serious, just looking. And what I am realising is that I don’t trust my heart much anymore. It is like whenever I see someone and I get a feeling like before of liking this person a lot, I instantly become cautious and tell my heart that it is no use treading that path. Its almost like I do not want to feel that butterflies and hearts feeling anymore. I want something much more stable, something dependable, something that won’t lead to endless disappointment when things go wrong.

I do not know how my boyfriend feels, he hasn’t spoken to me in over a month. We had yet another fight over the marriage issue and then I gave up. I feel that there is no point in chasing him anymore. If he decides to come back with marriage on mind on his own, its fine. Otherwise, we will end up fighting in the same way if I agree to dating some more without him changing things around a bit. That will just hurt both of us. I still want him, so sometimes it is not easy to shut my mind from going down that road.

But I digress, the point I have been trying to make is that I suddenly realised how people made arranged marriages work in our country. I am realising if you spend enough time with someone you will end up liking something or the other about them. And this is what I am discovering as I spend time with some of my male friends. I also realised that what I really want is some kind of companionship, someone to come home to. So maybe, I should think of ways other than marriage in which I can fulfill this need. I have to explore those thoughts more.