Coming to terms

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How does one come to terms with not getting something they worked really hard for?

Ever since I was a teenager, I remember praying for success in work, health and happiness of my family and then for attention and love of someone special. Many times this would be the attention of whoever I had a crush on then. Then in my twenties my relationships happened and the prayers would be about them.

I always thought I’d end up getting married much sooner. Life had other plans. In this current relationship, I’ve been praying for a breakthrough for close to 2 years now. Every time things come to some sort of a head after a period of turmoil and then after a long period of anger and blame, tired of it all, we settle into loving. But things do go downhill always.

There was a period last year when I was so distraught, I didn’t know if I could ever be happy. I love this person a lot even now and the periods of separation that we have, don’t seem to work as we both seem miserable when away from each other. But things are so unhealthy that we can’t keep it together for long once we are together.

I have to painfully come to terms with the fact that it may never work out well. I am tired of hoping and I think I would be doing an injustice to myself by not acting on the information I already have, which is that for whatever reason, he cannot commit right now. Its been 3 years, way long in our culture to wait and I have crossed 30, so I cannot just keep living in some fantasy that it will all work out. But I keep getting stuck in hope. How, do I come to terms with this situation?

How do I be ok with whatever happens? How do I come to terms with not having my dream marriage (not wedding)? How do I be ok with not knowing for a lot longer? How do I be ok with accepting that maybe we won’t have a life together and how do I not see that as a reflection of my or his having done something wrong? How do I explain to others who have seen this drama in my life and long ago asked me to get over this relationship why I keep going back and why it still doesn’t seem to work out? How do I go on if there is no closure?

Gratitude practice

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I have realised I need to re-start a gratitude practice. I used to have one earlier but I let go of it. But I am starting it again as I realise that I can feel a little better almost instantly when I start thinking of just letting life be as it is and being happy for other small things around me. I have spent so much time complaining and crying about things that its best to do something radically different now.

My gratitude practice though is happening in fits and starts. Some days I am very good and able to live in that particular day without thinking of anything else and on others I feel like everything is going out of hand. I am now slowly trying to interrupt those days with some form of gratitude or some form of prayer of meditation. At times I am successful, at times I am not.

However I have realised that this cannot be the way I end up treating myself all the time. There is so much anxiety every day and the people who care about me are getting increasingly worried. I think of stuff like quitting, giving it all up so often and that is not a healthy way to be.

I am doing the thing I do always when I am overwhelmed, taking the train back home for a holiday, only this time I am going to combine it with a Vipassana course. I do not yet know if I can handle the 10 day silent retreat, but I am willing to try it. I haven’t done something disruptive in some time and I think I should try that now.

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