I have realised I need to re-start a gratitude practice. I used to have one earlier but I let go of it. But I am starting it again as I realise that I can feel a little better almost instantly when I start thinking of just letting life be as it is and being happy for other small things around me. I have spent so much time complaining and crying about things that its best to do something radically different now.

My gratitude practice though is happening in fits and starts. Some days I am very good and able to live in that particular day without thinking of anything else and on others I feel like everything is going out of hand. I am now slowly trying to interrupt those days with some form of gratitude or some form of prayer of meditation. At times I am successful, at times I am not.

However I have realised that this cannot be the way I end up treating myself all the time. There is so much anxiety every day and the people who care about me are getting increasingly worried. I think of stuff like quitting, giving it all up so often and that is not a healthy way to be.

I am doing the thing I do always when I am overwhelmed, taking the train back home for a holiday, only this time I am going to combine it with a Vipassana course. I do not yet know if I can handle the 10 day silent retreat, but I am willing to try it. I haven’t done something disruptive in some time and I think I should try that now.