Coming to terms

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How does one come to terms with not getting something they worked really hard for?

Ever since I was a teenager, I remember praying for success in work, health and happiness of my family and then for attention and love of someone special. Many times this would be the attention of whoever I had a crush on then. Then in my twenties my relationships happened and the prayers would be about them.

I always thought I’d end up getting married much sooner. Life had other plans. In this current relationship, I’ve been praying for a breakthrough for close to 2 years now. Every time things come to some sort of a head after a period of turmoil and then after a long period of anger and blame, tired of it all, we settle into loving. But things do go downhill always.

There was a period last year when I was so distraught, I didn’t know if I could ever be happy. I love this person a lot even now and the periods of separation that we have, don’t seem to work as we both seem miserable when away from each other. But things are so unhealthy that we can’t keep it together for long once we are together.

I have to painfully come to terms with the fact that it may never work out well. I am tired of hoping and I think I would be doing an injustice to myself by not acting on the information I already have, which is that for whatever reason, he cannot commit right now. Its been 3 years, way long in our culture to wait and I have crossed 30, so I cannot just keep living in some fantasy that it will all work out. But I keep getting stuck in hope. How, do I come to terms with this situation?

How do I be ok with whatever happens? How do I come to terms with not having my dream marriage (not wedding)? How do I be ok with not knowing for a lot longer? How do I be ok with accepting that maybe we won’t have a life together and how do I not see that as a reflection of my or his having done something wrong? How do I explain to others who have seen this drama in my life and long ago asked me to get over this relationship why I keep going back and why it still doesn’t seem to work out? How do I go on if there is no closure?

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Gratitude practice

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I have realised I need to re-start a gratitude practice. I used to have one earlier but I let go of it. But I am starting it again as I realise that I can feel a little better almost instantly when I start thinking of just letting life be as it is and being happy for other small things around me. I have spent so much time complaining and crying about things that its best to do something radically different now.

My gratitude practice though is happening in fits and starts. Some days I am very good and able to live in that particular day without thinking of anything else and on others I feel like everything is going out of hand. I am now slowly trying to interrupt those days with some form of gratitude or some form of prayer of meditation. At times I am successful, at times I am not.

However I have realised that this cannot be the way I end up treating myself all the time. There is so much anxiety every day and the people who care about me are getting increasingly worried. I think of stuff like quitting, giving it all up so often and that is not a healthy way to be.

I am doing the thing I do always when I am overwhelmed, taking the train back home for a holiday, only this time I am going to combine it with a Vipassana course. I do not yet know if I can handle the 10 day silent retreat, but I am willing to try it. I haven’t done something disruptive in some time and I think I should try that now.

Do you want marriage or companionship?

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I guess I am still coming to terms with the fact that the relationship I clung on to for the last 3 years may not amount to much. I am pretty much living the single life and it isn’t terribly tough because the last 2 years of our relationship was long distance, so I don’t have to deal with seeing someone daily to not at all. I am trying to keep myself busy, do as much as I can, work has been hectic so its been easier to keep from obsessing. But still there are moments when I feel a little emptiness.

In my attempt to move on, I am trying to look at other men, nothing serious, just looking. And what I am realising is that I don’t trust my heart much anymore. It is like whenever I see someone and I get a feeling like before of liking this person a lot, I instantly become cautious and tell my heart that it is no use treading that path. Its almost like I do not want to feel that butterflies and hearts feeling anymore. I want something much more stable, something dependable, something that won’t lead to endless disappointment when things go wrong.

I do not know how my boyfriend feels, he hasn’t spoken to me in over a month. We had yet another fight over the marriage issue and then I gave up. I feel that there is no point in chasing him anymore. If he decides to come back with marriage on mind on his own, its fine. Otherwise, we will end up fighting in the same way if I agree to dating some more without him changing things around a bit. That will just hurt both of us. I still want him, so sometimes it is not easy to shut my mind from going down that road.

But I digress, the point I have been trying to make is that I suddenly realised how people made arranged marriages work in our country. I am realising if you spend enough time with someone you will end up liking something or the other about them. And this is what I am discovering as I spend time with some of my male friends. I also realised that what I really want is some kind of companionship, someone to come home to. So maybe, I should think of ways other than marriage in which I can fulfill this need. I have to explore those thoughts more.

Becoming a little more ME ME

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I have mostly not been a ME, ME person. I have always given everyone the benefit of doubt. Recent events made me ask myself, so how is that going for you? And I drew a blank. I realised it hasn’t worked for me at all to be so accommodating, so understanding. I haven’t got even half of the understanding back for me and it is a miracle sometimes how I have survived despite my naivety.

There has come a deep realisation that maybe it was just plain bad luck or some kind of stupidity, but I have met some pieces of work when it comes to humans around me. There haven’t been any really evil people, but there have been enough who are flaky, who worked only for their advantage and disregarded my well being, who simply assumed that they knew best. And perhaps the bad part is I was never as sure as any of these people of any of my decisions or feelings to take action to protect myself.

I suddenly am coming to this realisation that for all that I kept putting their feelings, inconveniences, goals, demands above my own, none of them ever made any compromises for me. Maybe someone will call my decisions a case of sour grapes. Some of you may give it the all encompassing term of codependence. I assure you, it wasn’t. It was just me going by the book, doing the whole treat others as you would want them to treat you stuff. Anyways, I am trying now to see how I can honor myself more, be okay with the choices I’ve made and the opportunities that I have lost.

I may never be fully ok with missing out on marriage and kids at the right age. But there is nothing I can do about it now. So I am learning to just live, without killing myself every day about it. Lets see how that goes.

Changes, changes

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So I have finally moved to the new place. Its unfamiliar, I am still figuring out where I can get daily rations, where to pay the bills around here etc. But the place is much cleaner and it is airy. I am not completely hating it as I had imagined.

I have also come to some kind of decisiveness about my relationship, I am not willing to put in anymore without getting what I want. I know it may not be easy here on. I know that I have to guard my heart if he comes back all apologetic and I should hold out till he actually acts on the promises he has made so far.

All that apart, there is this devil may care attitude I have for the last couple of days. So bitter am I, that sometimes I don’t even like most human beings lol. The only people I have found to be consistent in their affections and their other feelings towards me are my family and I know that is what I want in my partner and anyone else who wants to be in my life for longer. I find myself being less and less tolerant with anyone who wants to put me down.

It is strange actually for me to not give a fuck. I ma the kind who keeps worrying about how people perceive me and try to adjust my behaviour accordingly. But now I want to get out all the anger and bitterness and put people in place. Sometimes I fear I may over do it and burn bridges but right now, it feels good to be able to be angry, to just be, negative or whatever else people may think it is.

Is this self sabotage?

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So birthday was wonderful and boyfriend did do some nice things, so did other friends of mine. My boss told me an opportunity could come up in a few months in the city that boyfriend lives in. When I told him this, he was very cool headed about it. Said he would leave it up to me. I wasn’t satisfied, I asked him if I moved, would he commit to staying in that very city longer. And I didn’t like his reply of just we’ll see.

I don’t get why men don’t appreciate all that women end up doing to keep the relationship going. I always talk first after a fight. I do know that this recent one was triggered after I felt he was waffling about living in the same city while I was ready to uproot everything and go where he was. Sometimes I feel that I have given way too much in this relationship. Why does he think that being thoughtful is only about the gifts he gets me for special days?

I do know that a lot of times I start the ranting by mentioning my dissatisfaction at him not proposing and never giving me a clear answer about anything. He keeps saying he is working at it. He said yesterday that he is doing everything he is supposed to do. But how come nothing happens then? How come there is no ring on my finger and how come he still freaks out about talking to my parents or me meeting his?

And I am not able to give it a rest. Every 2 months or so I do ask him what is happening. It was more frequent before. I know people will just say why don’t I leave him if I am so unhappy. I don’t have a clear answer to that but I do know that I don’t feel ready to do that. I don’t feel ready to get back in the game again and what’s the guarantee I won’t reach the same stage with another person. Soemtimes I really hate him for making me wait. Today is one of those days. Is it self sabotage that when things are going ok otherwise, I do invariably end up asking about marriage. I mean, I am 30, I want my life to be figured out by now.

I have started comparing him to my work place actually. I have not found total acceptance and recognition at work as such. They show it by giving me one of the highest raise percentage (or so my boss told me this time) but they don’t hand over the important things to me. They don’t really trust I can handle it. Agreed, the high pressure of live breaking news reporting sometimes gets to me, but I have never given out unverified or outright wrong news, which some people have and they still get a lot of acclaim.  6 years and I am treated like a newbie and some newbies are even treated better than me. I sometimes feel my boyfriend is also doing the same. In short, I feel under appreciated and under recognised in life.

There is very little stability in my life. No place or person that is totally mine and can never be taken away from me. The young me might have thought stability equals boredom. But I know better now. I have read and read about trusting in times of uncertainty, but I just have none left. I cry every other day over having no control over my life. I am scared of taking chances now. I feel I am boxing myself in with each passing day. Part of this could also have been brought forth by the whole moving. I had really built a routine at this place but my landlady isn’t keen on renewing the lease this time so I have to go.

I wonder if I’ll always be so bogged down. Who’ll want that kind of  a wife? And I hope if I ever get to be a mother, I am not so down on myself, because I would want the child to be happy. But who knows if any of that is ever going to happen. Tonight I feel, I must just be here, same city that is growing expensive by the day, struggling, taking an over crowded train and moving from place to place every 11 months as I can’t afford a home here.

I digress. Is it self sabotage that I have so much pent up anger and once in a while I let my boyfriend have it, no matter how nice he has been just 2 days before that by getting me awesome gifts? Or is it justified that the only gift I really want from him is a deeper commitment and nothing else really counts?

 

The big day

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So I turned 30 on the 10th and I had fun. Boyfriend had booked a session at a spa and even sent a cake. I went out to dinner with some friends. I also ended up completing my target of visiting 20 different restaurants. So yayee 🙂 Just popped in to post this much from work. Will write more later. 

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