Changes, changes

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So I have finally moved to the new place. Its unfamiliar, I am still figuring out where I can get daily rations, where to pay the bills around here etc. But the place is much cleaner and it is airy. I am not completely hating it as I had imagined.

I have also come to some kind of decisiveness about my relationship, I am not willing to put in anymore without getting what I want. I know it may not be easy here on. I know that I have to guard my heart if he comes back all apologetic and I should hold out till he actually acts on the promises he has made so far.

All that apart, there is this devil may care attitude I have for the last couple of days. So bitter am I, that sometimes I don’t even like most human beings lol. The only people I have found to be consistent in their affections and their other feelings towards me are my family and I know that is what I want in my partner and anyone else who wants to be in my life for longer. I find myself being less and less tolerant with anyone who wants to put me down.

It is strange actually for me to not give a fuck. I ma the kind who keeps worrying about how people perceive me and try to adjust my behaviour accordingly. But now I want to get out all the anger and bitterness and put people in place. Sometimes I fear I may over do it and burn bridges but right now, it feels good to be able to be angry, to just be, negative or whatever else people may think it is.

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Confession

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I have a major confession to make, I am a special person and this is my super power :

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When my super power is at its height, I sit and fume and rage and worry about catastrophes that only I think happen. The side effect of my super power is extremely quick fingers that type furiously on my Blackberry BBM and send waves of discomfort across to anyone who I feel has contributed to that anxiety.

Jokes apart, I made life hell for someone yesterday. I blame this person, my boyfriend, for my single status. I have said cutely, I have said forcefully, I have cried, begged, pleaded and generally been really terrible about being single. I can get along well when we are together but once a few days, I have a transformation and I become this :

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When I am anxious, I get into blame mode, then I get angry and I just type out texts furiously. My mother advised me this time when I was home that I do this to everyone and I should wait when I feel overwhelmed before getting on the phone. But when was the last time we listened to our mothers eh? I get mean, bitchy and snarky and I feel like wanting to make the other person wholly responsible for how horrible I am feeling. So I go on and on. Worst part is I know I am doing this but I am never able to stop myself in the act. I always sit and regret later. So does anyone have any bright ideas as to how I can overcome the rage and hopelessness that anxiety brings in? Do you think the single status causes the anxiety or the anxiety was always there and is just exacerbated by the single status? Solutions, solutions pls. Oh wait, now the ‘solve it soon’ OCD will take over.

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