Regression

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Dear readers, if there are any after all the ranting I have done, it seems I am regressing to a time when I was always angry and complaining.

Its Easter today and I read about forgiveness and how it could help my anxiety. I hope to start practising it. I am not Christian, but having studied in convent schools, have been a quasi Christian always. And I know Christ embodies forgiveness. I am not particularly religious, but I do believe there is someone out there looking out for us.

Yesterday, one of my favourite movies was playing on TV. Bruce Almighty. I kinda resemble the Bruce before he met God in that movie. Smite me oh mighty Smiter, might just be what I am unconsciously saying lol. Why I love this movie is the simple way in which it teaches you that you are the one responsible for a lot of things in your life. As I sleep tonight, I want to remember that in a positive way, not in a self blame manner, but in a confident way that I can become calmer and more in control.

God is definitely listening to me as I am getting to read many good things, many success stories. He wants me to see it can happen 🙂

Hope you all had a great Easter.

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The downward spiral of trash talking myself

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Two days ago another episode happened. Some common friends who just discovered they knew boyfriend and me were comparing notes. So the person known to me, comes and tells me how they were comparing notes and then says you guys aren’t getting married anytime soon isn’t it? So I reluctantly say no. Then he asks me have I asked boyfriend why not. I shush him in a very fun way, but it sets the tone for 3 days (including today) of my being mopey and snarky and feeling I am trapped in this relationship.

I want marriage and I have made no bones about it to boyfriend. Approaching 30 in less than 2 weeks from now, I feel like time is running out. If I spend a year or two more with him, my ovary might just dry up I feel. Already my periods are scanty. I have cried, pleaded and gone on and on about how important it is to me. But at 3 years, I havent even once spoken to his folks and he gets irritated when the topic of marriage is brought up. He has in the recent past told me about how I tend to complain about my job, my financial status and everything else always and fail to look at what’s working for me. True as that may be and I know I am no saint, I still feel that this decision is stuck because of him. My folks are ready to meet him, I have staved off all the plans they had of marrying me of, I have stood up to them. His folks, I have no idea about, because he refuses to talk much about it and he gets angry if I say he hasn’t really been working to get it done. Also the last time we were all in the same city,  I asked him to talk to his mom and he said she just went silent as if she hadn’t heard what he said and refused to discuss it any further. We had a fight that day, but ultimately made up. Its tough for us to stay mad when we are around each other.

I may have to allow for the fact that he is younger and that 1.5 of these 3 years he was abroad doing an MBA and he has now got a job in a different city. But even so, I feel now is time enough. Yes, I havent shut up enough about it. Sometimes I feel incredibly thankful that he still listens to my rant, but what gets my goat is I don’t get a concrete response. I just get an I love you and sometimes pls stop and slow down. I am not getting the reply I want. It has come to such an extent that I feel all the romance is gone. What girl doesn’t want to be surprised by a proposal? And yet it has come down to me having to badger him to tell me one way or the other so that I may make peace with it.

At this point, sometimes I don’t see any other option than just breaking it up. I have mentioned to him that I will have to move on if nothing happens in any way on my 30th birthday. I feel the pressure of my age. I feel the pressure  of not having had anything figured out and I feel the pressure of certain physical realities. I also feel the pressure of being 30 and not having one solid relationship other than my parents who are aging and may not be there one day. I have spent 3 days feeling sorry for myself. Yesterday I couldn’t get out of the bed for half the day, thinking how horrible that I may have to just break up with him and that there didn’t seem any other option. Today I have vented to him the entire day and he has been listening, didn’t lose his temper much. But all I got out of him was an I love you. No plans, no talk of how he planned to get us to the altar by the end of this year as he claimed in January.

I feel like the world’s most unlovable person that I have to give ultimatums and that communication seems to be only difficult for my relationships. I have fought hard for everything for the last 7 years or so and I feel so drained now. First it was the job, then it was getting my parents to acknowledge I am an adult, then the failed relationship that made me skeptical of everything and now waiting 3 years for the love of my life to formally commit.

On the flip side, I met a cabbie yesterday who offered brief respite from my self loathing. Our city is very expensive and living here is damn hard if your income isn’t monthly 6 figures. And cabbies live on 4 figures. He complained about the rising prices and all the other challenges being a human being brings to you. But he had a simplistic, deal with it attitude and a grateful heart. For a few hours, after that, I was able to rein in my emotions. But this morning, I again lost it to the devil of fearful thinking.

Another achievement, I started covering the state legislature for our news channel and I am liking it. Also I tried 11 different eateries. So the 20 before 30 is on track.

What’s not on track is my emotions about how my life is turning out. I feel I can’t live as a single woman forever and if I have to I will be very bitter. I can’t but help feel ridiculous when I hear of one more engagement. I know if I break up with him, the healing will take 6 months to a year and I may not be able to be in another happy relationship till then. But most of all, I feel the fairy tale of marriage and a blissful life is tearing apart right in front of my eyes and my hopeful heart can’t bear it. I can’t seem to bear that for some of us life may not be all peaches and roses and that the only solace to take is that it isn’t worse than it is.

Sorry for a pessimistic rant.

The spiralling and numerous advise me sessions

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So I was a normal, intelligent, independent girl until the I-want-to-get-married-now happened. I don’t know whether it is because of the advancing age or it is because I was forever lonely and hoped in my lonely adolescence that a man would be there forever and I wouldn’t be lonely ever, the previous failed relationships, or if it is just plain crazy stuff. But I have been quite obsessed with wanting to get married for the last 2 years or so.

It doesn’t help that you go on to Facebook or even if you don’t you get to hear so and so got engaged, so and so went for an exotic honeymoon etc. This month itself 4 people at work are getting married. It is difficult to not notice the couplehood express whizzing past.

And then you look at your life. Same job for 6 years now, same boyfriend for half that time now, all is the same. I went on to another blog yesterday and saw how I am not the only one feeling that life is standing still because of not getting married. BF and I have had numerous fights over this and it has got to the point where I have issued an ultimatum. As I ponder over our fights over this ultimatum thing, I wonder, how did I come to this? How did I become this woman who wants something so bad and that’s the only thing she can’t have.

The previous years at work also sucked so sometimes I think it is a miracle I am not a meth addict by now. But this constant obsession of bettering my life somehow, getting some change in has taken a toll on me. I am more unsure than ever if anything I want is reasonable or even worth it. It has got to the point that its all I talk about, what’s lacing in my life. Everyone around me has got sick of seeing me this way. I am sick of seeing me this way. I keep asking friends to advise me, help me make a decision. Everyone has a different idea and then I get crazy again.

The hilarious part in all of this is I know what I ought to do and what will be the consequence of which action. But I get chicken. But I also need to stop asking people for advice and keep wondering. This is apt, don’t you think so?

ccan78l

Confession

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I have a major confession to make, I am a special person and this is my super power :

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When my super power is at its height, I sit and fume and rage and worry about catastrophes that only I think happen. The side effect of my super power is extremely quick fingers that type furiously on my Blackberry BBM and send waves of discomfort across to anyone who I feel has contributed to that anxiety.

Jokes apart, I made life hell for someone yesterday. I blame this person, my boyfriend, for my single status. I have said cutely, I have said forcefully, I have cried, begged, pleaded and generally been really terrible about being single. I can get along well when we are together but once a few days, I have a transformation and I become this :

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When I am anxious, I get into blame mode, then I get angry and I just type out texts furiously. My mother advised me this time when I was home that I do this to everyone and I should wait when I feel overwhelmed before getting on the phone. But when was the last time we listened to our mothers eh? I get mean, bitchy and snarky and I feel like wanting to make the other person wholly responsible for how horrible I am feeling. So I go on and on. Worst part is I know I am doing this but I am never able to stop myself in the act. I always sit and regret later. So does anyone have any bright ideas as to how I can overcome the rage and hopelessness that anxiety brings in? Do you think the single status causes the anxiety or the anxiety was always there and is just exacerbated by the single status? Solutions, solutions pls. Oh wait, now the ‘solve it soon’ OCD will take over.

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