The spiralling and numerous advise me sessions

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So I was a normal, intelligent, independent girl until the I-want-to-get-married-now happened. I don’t know whether it is because of the advancing age or it is because I was forever lonely and hoped in my lonely adolescence that a man would be there forever and I wouldn’t be lonely ever, the previous failed relationships, or if it is just plain crazy stuff. But I have been quite obsessed with wanting to get married for the last 2 years or so.

It doesn’t help that you go on to Facebook or even if you don’t you get to hear so and so got engaged, so and so went for an exotic honeymoon etc. This month itself 4 people at work are getting married. It is difficult to not notice the couplehood express whizzing past.

And then you look at your life. Same job for 6 years now, same boyfriend for half that time now, all is the same. I went on to another blog yesterday and saw how I am not the only one feeling that life is standing still because of not getting married. BF and I have had numerous fights over this and it has got to the point where I have issued an ultimatum. As I ponder over our fights over this ultimatum thing, I wonder, how did I come to this? How did I become this woman who wants something so bad and that’s the only thing she can’t have.

The previous years at work also sucked so sometimes I think it is a miracle I am not a meth addict by now. But this constant obsession of bettering my life somehow, getting some change in has taken a toll on me. I am more unsure than ever if anything I want is reasonable or even worth it. It has got to the point that its all I talk about, what’s lacing in my life. Everyone around me has got sick of seeing me this way. I am sick of seeing me this way. I keep asking friends to advise me, help me make a decision. Everyone has a different idea and then I get crazy again.

The hilarious part in all of this is I know what I ought to do and what will be the consequence of which action. But I get chicken. But I also need to stop asking people for advice and keep wondering. This is apt, don’t you think so?

ccan78l

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So I was told this morning that if getting married was progressing in life for me then God help me. Basically I was shamed for wanting to get married so badly. Its interesting how no one shames you for wanting to get rich and if you work hard at it. Any goal is considered great, but if you want to get married then you are a loser, you have nothing else in your life.

I had a tough life this past 8 odd years. My career start was tumultous and things have settled down there only in the last 1 year or so. I have complained a lot about it and I haven’t really felt good about it or that I could achieve all those dreams I had. Today I was shamed for sharing stories about office politics and was asked when was the last time I wanted to excel at work.

All this coming from the guy I thought I could spend a life with. I don’t know what to say. I have been in and out of depression these last 7-8 years and I know I have been difficult to be around. But still it hurts that he thinks I am a loser for wanting to get married and for not having other ambitions. I know I need to be more positive and need to stop complaining, but to be told I am just not good enough, it hurts a lot.

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