Is this self sabotage?

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So birthday was wonderful and boyfriend did do some nice things, so did other friends of mine. My boss told me an opportunity could come up in a few months in the city that boyfriend lives in. When I told him this, he was very cool headed about it. Said he would leave it up to me. I wasn’t satisfied, I asked him if I moved, would he commit to staying in that very city longer. And I didn’t like his reply of just we’ll see.

I don’t get why men don’t appreciate all that women end up doing to keep the relationship going. I always talk first after a fight. I do know that this recent one was triggered after I felt he was waffling about living in the same city while I was ready to uproot everything and go where he was. Sometimes I feel that I have given way too much in this relationship. Why does he think that being thoughtful is only about the gifts he gets me for special days?

I do know that a lot of times I start the ranting by mentioning my dissatisfaction at him not proposing and never giving me a clear answer about anything. He keeps saying he is working at it. He said yesterday that he is doing everything he is supposed to do. But how come nothing happens then? How come there is no ring on my finger and how come he still freaks out about talking to my parents or me meeting his?

And I am not able to give it a rest. Every 2 months or so I do ask him what is happening. It was more frequent before. I know people will just say why don’t I leave him if I am so unhappy. I don’t have a clear answer to that but I do know that I don’t feel ready to do that. I don’t feel ready to get back in the game again and what’s the guarantee I won’t reach the same stage with another person. Soemtimes I really hate him for making me wait. Today is one of those days. Is it self sabotage that when things are going ok otherwise, I do invariably end up asking about marriage. I mean, I am 30, I want my life to be figured out by now.

I have started comparing him to my work place actually. I have not found total acceptance and recognition at work as such. They show it by giving me one of the highest raise percentage (or so my boss told me this time) but they don’t hand over the important things to me. They don’t really trust I can handle it. Agreed, the high pressure of live breaking news reporting sometimes gets to me, but I have never given out unverified or outright wrong news, which some people have and they still get a lot of acclaim.  6 years and I am treated like a newbie and some newbies are even treated better than me. I sometimes feel my boyfriend is also doing the same. In short, I feel under appreciated and under recognised in life.

There is very little stability in my life. No place or person that is totally mine and can never be taken away from me. The young me might have thought stability equals boredom. But I know better now. I have read and read about trusting in times of uncertainty, but I just have none left. I cry every other day over having no control over my life. I am scared of taking chances now. I feel I am boxing myself in with each passing day. Part of this could also have been brought forth by the whole moving. I had really built a routine at this place but my landlady isn’t keen on renewing the lease this time so I have to go.

I wonder if I’ll always be so bogged down. Who’ll want that kind of  a wife? And I hope if I ever get to be a mother, I am not so down on myself, because I would want the child to be happy. But who knows if any of that is ever going to happen. Tonight I feel, I must just be here, same city that is growing expensive by the day, struggling, taking an over crowded train and moving from place to place every 11 months as I can’t afford a home here.

I digress. Is it self sabotage that I have so much pent up anger and once in a while I let my boyfriend have it, no matter how nice he has been just 2 days before that by getting me awesome gifts? Or is it justified that the only gift I really want from him is a deeper commitment and nothing else really counts?


The downward spiral of trash talking myself

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Two days ago another episode happened. Some common friends who just discovered they knew boyfriend and me were comparing notes. So the person known to me, comes and tells me how they were comparing notes and then says you guys aren’t getting married anytime soon isn’t it? So I reluctantly say no. Then he asks me have I asked boyfriend why not. I shush him in a very fun way, but it sets the tone for 3 days (including today) of my being mopey and snarky and feeling I am trapped in this relationship.

I want marriage and I have made no bones about it to boyfriend. Approaching 30 in less than 2 weeks from now, I feel like time is running out. If I spend a year or two more with him, my ovary might just dry up I feel. Already my periods are scanty. I have cried, pleaded and gone on and on about how important it is to me. But at 3 years, I havent even once spoken to his folks and he gets irritated when the topic of marriage is brought up. He has in the recent past told me about how I tend to complain about my job, my financial status and everything else always and fail to look at what’s working for me. True as that may be and I know I am no saint, I still feel that this decision is stuck because of him. My folks are ready to meet him, I have staved off all the plans they had of marrying me of, I have stood up to them. His folks, I have no idea about, because he refuses to talk much about it and he gets angry if I say he hasn’t really been working to get it done. Also the last time we were all in the same city,  I asked him to talk to his mom and he said she just went silent as if she hadn’t heard what he said and refused to discuss it any further. We had a fight that day, but ultimately made up. Its tough for us to stay mad when we are around each other.

I may have to allow for the fact that he is younger and that 1.5 of these 3 years he was abroad doing an MBA and he has now got a job in a different city. But even so, I feel now is time enough. Yes, I havent shut up enough about it. Sometimes I feel incredibly thankful that he still listens to my rant, but what gets my goat is I don’t get a concrete response. I just get an I love you and sometimes pls stop and slow down. I am not getting the reply I want. It has come to such an extent that I feel all the romance is gone. What girl doesn’t want to be surprised by a proposal? And yet it has come down to me having to badger him to tell me one way or the other so that I may make peace with it.

At this point, sometimes I don’t see any other option than just breaking it up. I have mentioned to him that I will have to move on if nothing happens in any way on my 30th birthday. I feel the pressure of my age. I feel the pressure  of not having had anything figured out and I feel the pressure of certain physical realities. I also feel the pressure of being 30 and not having one solid relationship other than my parents who are aging and may not be there one day. I have spent 3 days feeling sorry for myself. Yesterday I couldn’t get out of the bed for half the day, thinking how horrible that I may have to just break up with him and that there didn’t seem any other option. Today I have vented to him the entire day and he has been listening, didn’t lose his temper much. But all I got out of him was an I love you. No plans, no talk of how he planned to get us to the altar by the end of this year as he claimed in January.

I feel like the world’s most unlovable person that I have to give ultimatums and that communication seems to be only difficult for my relationships. I have fought hard for everything for the last 7 years or so and I feel so drained now. First it was the job, then it was getting my parents to acknowledge I am an adult, then the failed relationship that made me skeptical of everything and now waiting 3 years for the love of my life to formally commit.

On the flip side, I met a cabbie yesterday who offered brief respite from my self loathing. Our city is very expensive and living here is damn hard if your income isn’t monthly 6 figures. And cabbies live on 4 figures. He complained about the rising prices and all the other challenges being a human being brings to you. But he had a simplistic, deal with it attitude and a grateful heart. For a few hours, after that, I was able to rein in my emotions. But this morning, I again lost it to the devil of fearful thinking.

Another achievement, I started covering the state legislature for our news channel and I am liking it. Also I tried 11 different eateries. So the 20 before 30 is on track.

What’s not on track is my emotions about how my life is turning out. I feel I can’t live as a single woman forever and if I have to I will be very bitter. I can’t but help feel ridiculous when I hear of one more engagement. I know if I break up with him, the healing will take 6 months to a year and I may not be able to be in another happy relationship till then. But most of all, I feel the fairy tale of marriage and a blissful life is tearing apart right in front of my eyes and my hopeful heart can’t bear it. I can’t seem to bear that for some of us life may not be all peaches and roses and that the only solace to take is that it isn’t worse than it is.

Sorry for a pessimistic rant.

James J Need

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