I woke up at 5 am today with a massive pain in the chest. For the next 4 hours, I couldn’t move much and had to just keep lying in the same position. There are no doctors in my area until 12 noon and I live alone. I had to wait till then to go to a doc. I have had this kind of debilitating pain before, they said it could be costochondria or a Vitamin D deficiency and I did complete a 3 month course of medicines, so this time the recurrence took me by surprise.

But I was angry at life, God, at my boyfriend at at my own decisions that I end up being alone when I am sick. As I lay down in pain I kept alternating between fear and resolving to do something so that I don’t end up sick and alone anymore. I kept thinking what did I do wrong that it has been this way for some years now. Is it luck? Is is some stupidity on my part? Why dont I have the brilliant support system that everyone seems to have. I wonder from time to time that if I suffer a heart attack and die inside my room, no one might get to know for a couple of days. Sure my parents might call frantically at work and someone might be sent to check on me, but otherwise just nothing, no one. My boyfriend is another town, my parents too and there seems to be no possibility of them or me being able to move to each other and handle the job and finances part.

So I am angry. I feel betrayed by life and I don’t know why I have to have this loneliness to bear and I remember myself to have been lonely forever now. The meds have worked and I feel a little better now but I am just so disappointed with myself and life.