Becoming a little more ME ME

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I have mostly not been a ME, ME person. I have always given everyone the benefit of doubt. Recent events made me ask myself, so how is that going for you? And I drew a blank. I realised it hasn’t worked for me at all to be so accommodating, so understanding. I haven’t got even half of the understanding back for me and it is a miracle sometimes how I have survived despite my naivety.

There has come a deep realisation that maybe it was just plain bad luck or some kind of stupidity, but I have met some pieces of work when it comes to humans around me. There haven’t been any really evil people, but there have been enough who are flaky, who worked only for their advantage and disregarded my well being, who simply assumed that they knew best. And perhaps the bad part is I was never as sure as any of these people of any of my decisions or feelings to take action to protect myself.

I suddenly am coming to this realisation that for all that I kept putting their feelings, inconveniences, goals, demands above my own, none of them ever made any compromises for me. Maybe someone will call my decisions a case of sour grapes. Some of you may give it the all encompassing term of codependence. I assure you, it wasn’t. It was just me going by the book, doing the whole treat others as you would want them to treat you stuff. Anyways, I am trying now to see how I can honor myself more, be okay with the choices I’ve made and the opportunities that I have lost.

I may never be fully ok with missing out on marriage and kids at the right age. But there is nothing I can do about it now. So I am learning to just live, without killing myself every day about it. Lets see how that goes.

Changes, changes

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So I have finally moved to the new place. Its unfamiliar, I am still figuring out where I can get daily rations, where to pay the bills around here etc. But the place is much cleaner and it is airy. I am not completely hating it as I had imagined.

I have also come to some kind of decisiveness about my relationship, I am not willing to put in anymore without getting what I want. I know it may not be easy here on. I know that I have to guard my heart if he comes back all apologetic and I should hold out till he actually acts on the promises he has made so far.

All that apart, there is this devil may care attitude I have for the last couple of days. So bitter am I, that sometimes I don’t even like most human beings lol. The only people I have found to be consistent in their affections and their other feelings towards me are my family and I know that is what I want in my partner and anyone else who wants to be in my life for longer. I find myself being less and less tolerant with anyone who wants to put me down.

It is strange actually for me to not give a fuck. I ma the kind who keeps worrying about how people perceive me and try to adjust my behaviour accordingly. But now I want to get out all the anger and bitterness and put people in place. Sometimes I fear I may over do it and burn bridges but right now, it feels good to be able to be angry, to just be, negative or whatever else people may think it is.

James J Need

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